Why don't we stay out here until the Christmas concert's over?
It's too late - you volunteered. Volunteered?!
This bloke comes up to me and says,
"You're down for a funny monologue." I thought, "That's funny."
Oh.
Captivate them with stories about your bad knee, like you do with us.
My Bad Knee by Norman Clegg.
That should excite some interest.
I think I'll wait for the film.
And what's Billy doing?
I'm giving an archery exhibition.
Oh! That should ensure a few casualties.
I think I'd sooner be a casualty than do a funny monologue.
Tha's just volunteered again. I've been looking for a human target.
HOOT! PARP!
THUMP! PARP!
Where did you get them?
They were in the cellar. If you're going to make that much row, I wish you'd leave them in the cellar.
Is there a problem?
There is - it's you. Can't you make less noise?
The whole point is to make some noise. Then do it indoors!
I can't - it would be deafening.
And it would upset the parrot.
There are few things more heart-rendering than a distressed parrot. But you're upsetting ME.
That's true, but you don't creep round my neck and nibble my ear.
Don't worry, I never shall.
How are you going to give an archery exhibition on a small stage?
I'll use a smaller bow.
Which means you probably won't be killed, just critically injured.
Give over! Accuracy's in the blood.
Yeah, but it's MY blood.
Any right-minded person would rather bleed than do a funny monologue.
Why can't I just put the chairs out? Anyone will tell you, "Clegg is great at putting out chairs."
HORN BEEPS
I'm looking for a Romeo.
What size?
He hasn't come this way - nobody's passed us. If we see him, we'll tell him you're looking for him.
I'm hoping I've found him right here.
Do you have any experience?
Nothing positive. Besides, I'm dedicated to fighting for justice and freedom.
It's the family business.
HE was in the vice squad.
Spectator, not player.
He was a lino salesman.
They're notorious for smouldering passion.
Not in the Co-op.
The manager was from Rochdale. We were required to respect all women,
especially our mothers and Gracie Fields.
Oh, it must be nice to be respected.
I've been treated badly in my time.
I was warned about double-glazing salesmen, but I thought they meant, "Read the small print."
But...I'm an optimist.
The heart recovers. I must admit, I am a romantic.
Now...
hands up, all of you who still respond to the heart's romantic pull.
It's for the Christmas concert.
I'm doing an excerpt from Shakespeare and I need a Romeo.
Can he do archery?
Can he pound on stage and let fly a flaming arrow, maybe?
No. It's all in the voice and the eyes.
Oh, I like YOUR eyes, Mr Truelove.
What a coincidence! Here you are, just the right size.
He is! We've always said it. Truly's just the right size.
The handy size for all occasions. You couldn't have chosen better.
I couldn't speak Shakespeare. I'd recite it as if I were giving evidence.
You're wrong, Mr Truelove. That voice is ideal.
So rich, so deep.
It squeaks. When I get excited, it squeaks.
He never gets excited.
He was Truly of the Yard. He was famous for keeping even his packed lunches cool.
HIGH-PITCHED: It's a lie. I was known as Squeaky of the Yard.
SHE LAUGHS
I believe I've found my Romeo.
Can I give you all a lift?
Yes. Yes. No.
HE SIGHS
Stop sulking. I don't know why you should think I'm sulking.
Can't a person sigh a few times in his own home?
You sound like a squeaky toy.
Well, if you've any intention of picking me up and cuddling me, forget it!
I'd sooner paper a ceiling.
I know when you're sulking, and I know WHY you're sulking.
It's because I won't let you rehearse and let you make a fool of yourself with you-know-who.
I don't know who you mean.
The one with eyelashes longer than her skirt.
I should do something for the Christmas concert. It's for charity.
Then you CAN do something.
You can do it with me.
With you?! What can WE do, you and me,
except best of three rounds?! We used to do things together.
Not very well, it must be admitted.
If we were on a tandem, we'd go in different directions. No, we wouldn't, we'd be going in mine.
We're going to sing a duet.
I can't sing a duet.
Not on your own, I realise that.
I can't sing either,
so we're going to mime to a record.
Cheer up - it's for charity.
We'll just give them money.
We're going to do Nelson Eddie and Jeanette MacDonald. I used to love Jeanette MacDonald.
I'm not big enough for Nelson Eddie. You're not big enough for Wee Georgie Wood.
But we're going to do it anyway.
Barry!
What?
Wouldn't you like to know what you're doing for the concert?
I claim the right to be excused, as I have no talent.
Never stops other people.
Of course, some of us have talents that aren't entirely suitable for public display.
Is there anything else you'd rather do instead, Barry?
Instead of what? Instead of what we've decided you're doing.
We thought it was only fair to give you a choice before you decided to leave it to us.
That's settled, then.
You see how easy decisions are, once you make up your mind.
Hang about! You're overlooking the fact that I can't do anything!
You can make me disappear.
Temporarily.
A bit of stage magic.
I can't do stuff like that.
You'd be surprised how many would jump at the chance to make their wives disappear.
Er, temporarily, of course.
If pushed, I could give names.
You'll look lovely in evening dress.
You'll be Marvel the Magician.
And I'll be...
Chiquita, your Spanish assistant.
You could wear a rose in your hair.
I always wanted a rose in my hair.
Bit of grass was the closest I got.
All we need is a cabinet with a black curtain at the back.
I hide behind the curtain, and it looks empty.
You can't just do one trick. They'll expect more than that.
You'll do other tricks. You don't disappear me till the end. That's your BIG trick.
What other tricks? I don't know exactly.
They usually have a pigeon in their hat. Things like that. I'm not having a bird in my hat!
You know what they say - a bird in the hat...
MUSIC: "Sweet Mystery Of Life" by Jeanette McDonald & Nelson Eddie
THEY MIME TO MUSIC: # Mystery of life At last I found thee... #
Some things are just not natural.
They must have made up. This is as weird as it was in the vice squad.
# Ah, the longing, seeking, striving waiting, yearning... #
How long have you been standing there?!
Long enough to develop a tear.
Terribly moving.
We thought it was lovely. Could we have Nelson's autograph?
You can bog off! You shouldn't be looking at people rehearse.
How long will you be thumping those things? You're rattling my crockery.
I've heard about wicked women on broomsticks. Where's your black cat?
Last time I heard noise like this, it was an air raid. How long are you going to be thumping those things?
Till I get my cymbals right. I've got news for you.
There's more than your cymbals not right.
Sure you're not an escaped Nazi? The trick is escaping from YOU.
If you were a concerned neighbour, and not just Hitler's sweetheart, you'd assist me on the cymbals.
I'd sooner assist you on the next bus.
Help me on the cymbals.
All you have to do...
Right... Get hold of them,
and when I give you a nod,
bring them sharply together. Right? Ready? One, two, three, four.
If that went straight through you, it's cos there's nothing between your ears.
You're a hard lass. Have you no soft spots?
You've got shared use of the yard. Soft spots are not included.
I was enquiring on general grounds - I don't want to visit any. Just as well. They're closed.
Look at his legs -
you'd think he'd look great in white tie and tails. Fred Astaire had to manage on half that amount of leg.
Forget top hat and tails - try ski mask and goggles.
But we need top hat and tails for Putting On The Ritz.
Him?! Putting On The Ritz?! He'd be stretching it putting on McDonalds.
I still say he's got the figure for it. He just lacks the confidence.
Not to mention the talent.
There must be something else I can do. There is.
You could pay for breakfast.
He's nimbler on his feet than you are. O-oh...
Come on, Cleggy.
Tha's holding up rehearsal. Come on. It's not as bad as being Romeo.
Let's get it over with. Let's get it over with?!
That's a nice thought to have, when I'm having arrows shot at me.
They're rubber-tipped. You'll be fine.
Not as fine as you, at the other end of the bow and arrow. I'm aiming at the door.
To demonstrate to the audience the accuracy of the shot.
Where do you want him?
Stand him against the wall.
Stand him against the wall?! I've heard that before.
I've never lost anybody yet.
Have you done this before?
Very nearly.
Try and look nervous - it'll increase the effect.
I AM nervous.
Relax. You're in hands of a master.
Hold your arms out.
Not like that. Like this...
Right. Stay like that.
There goes your target! Why don't you find a dummy to fire at?
Where can I find a dummy?
I've got one indoors, but you're not having him.
Auntie Wainwright - she'll have a dummy.
Practise on that, then when Clegg sees how accurate you are,
maybe he'll volunteer.
How accurate ARE you?
I could split a match with this at 50 paces. Football or cricket?
What you really need for a human target
is someone totally fearless,
or, failing that, incredibly stupid. Not easy to find.
Oh, I don't know, though. He looks good.
Terrific.
Tell me, Tom,
how would you like to be suddenly propelled into the sharp end of show business?
Doing it! I'm nearly there.
Not only a ventriloquist, but I'm also teaching Smiler how to dance.
Is that wise? He'd look terrible in sequins. Not if they're pink. He looks lovely in pink.
We've come just in time to rescue you from the glitzy end of show business.
Let Billy here carry you off to a world of...excitement, danger, thrills.
I'd rather be in pink. I could hit pink. Hit?!
He means "just miss". He's looking for a human target.
Oh...
It's a wicked bird-puller. Eh?
And they'll mob you for autographs.
How accurate is he?
Finds his way home from the pub, doesn't he?
I'll get a dummy
and show you how accurate.
Oh, it's you. They'd think you were born to it.
I know. I'm going to have to cut down on those takeaways.
What are you doing for the concert, dressed like that?
Don't think I'm just being curious -
there might be something else you can hire. I'm doing a mind-reader act with Marina.
The way she looks, anybody can read HER mind.
Hello. Who ordered noodles?
It's for theatrical purposes. Mr Entwistle is going to read minds.
If he can find his glasses.
Are you any good?
I'm a qualified electrician. Oh, well, then.
What can we do for you that's not too inexpensive?
Have you got a dummy we can borrow? You've just missed him.
A dummy or a cardboard figure I can use for target practice.
I won't damage it. I'm going to be aiming just to miss
to demonstrate to Tom that I can do it without injuring him.
He's going to be the target tonight.
Then I shall be available for autographs.
Tha's going to be so proud, Tom.
And maybe so dead.
I'm only joking.
He is. He's only joking.
What we have here is a lack of confidence. Correct.
You need a touch of hypnosis - a great confidence builder.
Not only rewiring - you can do hypnosis?!
Picked it up off a hermit who lived in the desert, just north of Hornsea.
Can you do it here and now?
Hypnosis is extra.
It has to be somewhere relaxed. A pleasant atmosphere.
Somewhere congenial, soothing...
A snug, little country pub?
He's just read my mind!
I wish he'd read MY mind. It says no.
What happened to top hat and tails?
It's no good - he's no confidence.
He's come at the right time. Entwistle can fix that. He's going to fix Tom's.
There will be a small charge. How much?
Oh, dear! He HAS no confidence!
You make the place look like a wrecker's yard. What is it now? Don't get so emotional!
You ought to calm down at your age.
You'll be wearing that big drum around your neck... Think of me as the bloke next door.
Once you've accepted I'm not available, it'll be easier for you.
What do you want? Watch my entrance. I'd sooner watch your exit. What entrance?
My entrance at the concert. I've got to make an impact.
You're a full orchestra, but I wonder if you're the full shilling. Stand there.
I'm going round the corner.
When I'm ready, I'll come on and make my entrance.
I can't stand that much excitement.
Come on, let us know how it looks. Give us a break, woman.
Get round the corner!
Get on with it!
I'll shout when I'm ready.
Oh, get on with it.
How long are you going to be? I've got work to do. I'm coming!
I hope nobody sees me encouraging this barmpot. Here I come!
That was good! But how are you going to do that at the concert?
Can Entwistle really hypnotise?
And repair televisions. His range is awesome.
Can he do legs? Smiler's problem's in the legs.
They're all right for everyday use.
Can you hypnotise legs?
Did a Scotsman once. Can't be worse than that.
Never mind hypnotise. I want to see how good Billy is with his bow.
The man needs a demonstration - no problem. Pull over.
Right, stand him beside the van.
That's it. Remember, you're going to be amazed at the accuracy of this display.
Where do you want the arrow? Exactly where it's supposed to go.
In the middle of that apple.
Come on, lads, stand back. Don't worry - we're standing WELL back.
You'll be amazed at the accuracy of this.
Right...
in the middle of that...apple.
Hands up, all who are amazed at the accuracy of these things!
Sometimes the first one's a fraction off.
That's encouraging.
What time's the next bus?
It's the wind - I forgot the wind.
There'll be no wind on stage.
There'll be no Tom Simonite either.
That's another client for Entwistle.
Smiler's legs, Tom's confidence, and son of Robin Hood's accuracy.
Accuracy? You make one slip and they accuse you of not being accurate.
I'll do them all together. Then they can have my group rate.
That's the pre-med.
They should be about ready now.
More receptive. Receptive?! They sunk it that fast, by the look of their eyes, they've gone digital.
I've enjoyed it so far.
Which leg does he start with first?
He starts with your mind. I think he might be better with a leg.
I want you to focus on my finger.
I can see two fingers.
Not intentional, I can assure you.
Just focus on the one you like best.
It's just a gentle motion,
designed to soothe and pick up signs of intelligence.
So we could be here for a while.
Unless your eyelids are already feeling heavy.
Oh, as heavy as that.
He's gone.
It's the awesome power of hypnosis
practised for centuries in the temples of Filey.
You are now ready for instruction.
You will remember these instructions.
Dancing is in your blood. Your legs are musical instruments.
SMILER GROANS
Watch the finger. If there's two, watch the middle one.
You, Tom, will be fearless.
And you, Billy...
Don't look at me! I'm not going to drop my chin on the table like that.
He'll be fine. He's just had a full blast of Fred Astaire.
We've been getting a full blast of old rhubarb.
Just watch the finger. We'll soon have you more accurate than Robin Hood.
Nobody was more accurate than Robin Hood.
Nobody...was...more...accurate...
than Robin Hood,
except...possibly...
me.
I think he's ready. Was that it?!
They went express.
How do you feel, Tom?
No different. Unimpressed.
He's ready too. What about him?
Him too. I told you, it's a mysterious force.
That'll be £5 each.
Not only mysterious, but expensive.
You have certain overheads.
One finger?!
Hello!
What happened? He's transformed into Deadly Dan, the Dancing Man, that's what's happened.
He's had a full blast of Fred Astaire.
Has he done my legs already? I didn't feel a thing.
Be careful for the first 500 miles.
Entwistle speaks fluent rubbish.
Like a native. You'd think he'd always lived here.
I've seen that hat on Nora Batty.
Go on, then, Smiler, start working them in.
Go on. They're not going to run away from you.
He needs his music.
I think that blast of Fred Astaire must have missed. Maybe it's settled in his elbow.
Maybe he's got dancing elbow.
Try your shoes on your elbow.
This'll do it.
MUSIC STARTS: "Putting On The Ritz"
You swine! You've done me as well!
You should have got a pigeon! I'm no good with pigeons.
You're not doing too well with that thing either.
I thought it would be easier to handle.
It's no good, Barry, you're going to have to find something else.
Let him find that thing first.
Auntie Roz is right! Please remove that mouse, Barry!
How did you expect the audience to see a mouse under your hat?! I was going to ask for a spotlight on it.
What's next, Barry? Are you going to find it an agent?
Pay attention, sweet mystery of life -
keep away from the mind-reading act.
I can read minds. Yours, anyway.
How do you do?
You won't be needing that.
Excuse me, do you know where I can get a taxi around here?
"PUTTING ON THE RITZ" BLARES FROM CAR